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Friday, 7 December 2012

Why do I write romance?



I wrote this rant as a performance piece, so it's not really supposed to be read, but I think that not so many of you will get to see me perform it, compared to the number of you who can read it, so I thought, what the hell, you'll have to imagine me. It's quite easy really. You raise your volume and lock eyes with your pretend audience. 

I've only ever performed this once, at the Guild Hall earlier this year. It was in its raw state of the elusive first draft, that even Stephen King says that we share with no-one. However, I only had two first drafts with me, so having no choice, I went ahead and it went down so well that I decided that this first draft actually was my final edit. So here it is, not tweaked, nor revised, and please bear in mind that my leading men are my imaginary characters. 

Hope you enjoy it.

Why do I write romance - A rant.


Because

There is no romance in my life.

I’ve been saying it out loud for years, but he can’t seem to hear me, so I thought 
maybe I’m not speaking loud enough, 
maybe I’m not making myself clear, 
maybe I’m only dreaming I’m saying it, 
so
I thought the best thing to do was to bring it here and say it out  loud to see if you can hear me.

THERE IS NO ROMANCE IN MY LIFE.

NONE.

Can you hear me?

There are no flowers, no hearts, no chocolates, no gifts.

Actually, that’s a lie, there was a memorable gift for my last birthday – a fly-swatter. Yes, you hear me correctly, a fly-swatter. Not an all-singing all-dancing electronic thingy – not a real instrument of torture and death – just a flexible tennis racket style one that works perfectly well, entertaining me – my sitting room is like a graveyard in the summer mornings – but, 
the point is, 
it’s not very romantic, is it?

So as I say,

THERE IS NO ROMANCE IN MY LIFE.

NONE.

Did you hear me?

Yes?

Good, then I shall continue dreaming, writing romance and having affairs left, right and centre with my leading men.